How to Deal With Disappointment

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What do you do when disappointment attacks in a big way?  What do you do when you feel like your hard work has been taken away from you and you are left holding a big pile of nothing for your time?  I may not have the answer to these questions, but I do have a simple process that has helped me time and again regain my footing after big and small disappointments.

Before I go on, let me give you a little back story from my own life.  In my spare time, I make independent films, and I hope to one day make movies full time.  Last June I finished a script for a comedy that I planned to produce direct and star in.  The script was in rough draft format, and this June, my plan was to finish it up and have several of my professional actor friends sit down in a room and really punch up the humor and polish the thing off.  My plan was to then seek financing and locations so that I could start casting and shoot the film.  I had two Cinematographers lined up, and I’m friends with a professional stunt coordinator, so a lot of the big behind the scenes slots were filled.  Not to mention, I had at least 6 actors cast to fill roles in the film.  This summer was the summer we were going to move on it and make it happen, but an interesting thing happened last month.  I was surfing the internet and saw a trailer on Youtube for a movie with the exact same premise, same setting, same idea, everything!  This movie will release in just a few days.

Now I am sitting on a good script that is very funny, and I mean laugh out loud funny.  I’m not just saying this because I wrote it.  Even if I was just reading it as someone else’s work, it would be funny.  I know that there are setbacks in life, but I felt disappointed to say the least.  I was extremely excited about this project, and now I have to scrap it.  So now that I am really feeling the pain of this disappointment, I’ve become very focused on creating a system to help anyone deal with any disappointment now or in the future.

How to Deal with Disappointment:

Use Disappointment to Get a Clearer Focus on Your Goals.

So something has gone awry.  You had big plans, and they’ve been dashed against a proverbial brick wall.  Whether it was a lover leaving, or a project falling through, you feel the same thing; disappointment.  Don’t just sit and wallow and feel like a failure, do something about it.  First, start out by taking a close look at your goals.  What was the goal?  In my example, my script is in the trash now.  That being said, does that make me a failure?  No, it doesn’t, so now I have to stop beating myself up for it and move on.  After you’ve figured out that no matter how bad you feel, you can still turn it around, you need to start focusing on what the actual “real” goal was.

The goal is not always what you think it is.  For instance, you could say that the goal of my script was to make that movie, but you’d be wrong, because there is a goal behind the goal.  My goal with my script was to make a FANTASTIC and funny movie that will keep people captivated and have them laughing from start to finish.  That’s the essence of my goal.  What is the essence of your goal?

Here’s a hint to know if you’ve found it.  A setback does not change the essence of a goal.  If you had a setback in launching a company, would you consider yourself a failure and never try again?  I hope not, because the essence of your goal may have had the opportunity to breathe in a different venture or even if that venture was approached from another angle.  Either way, the goal was to launch a company that is successful, and maybe even something you would really enjoy doing.  The essence of the goal hasn’t changed.  The details may have, but the essence hasn’t.

Let Go of Attachment to Whatever You Thought You Were Working Toward.

This one will be tough.  In fact, it may be the hardest part, because whatever it is that has you feeling disappointed may be a big deal in life.  It may be something as big as a marriage breaking up, or a business you’ve worked on for years failing, I’ve had both happen, so I know how painful these BIG disappointments can be while you are experiencing them.  I also know how hard it is to let go of the attachment you may feel toward whatever it is that you had originally planned, but you have to start to let go of the attachment to that goal.

Hopefully by now, you’ve taken a moment and defined the essence of your goal.  If you haven’t, pick something in your life that you feel has disappointed you, grab a pen and paper, and define the essence of the goal.  Good, now that that’s done, it’s time to face the reality that you are where you are, and no matter how bleak it looks, you can get anywhere from here, but not if you don’t let go.  That is, let go of the attachment to the original goal.

Now that you’ve found the essence of your goal, can you see that whatever was disappointing you was just a vehicle for the essence of your goal?  A “goal vehicle” of sorts?  I know it may sound like a harsh way to describe a wife or husband that is leaving, or a relationship that is breaking, but I have found that giving it this label will help you distance our emotion from it a little.  Whatever you’re dealing with where disappointment is concerned, it is most certainly very personal, whether it is a project or a relationship or a child’s behavior.  I mean no disrespect when I use the words “goal vehicle.”  It simply forces your mind to separate from the attachment a little so that you can start to look for solutions.

Let go of the disappointment and tell your mind to stop giving you those big “Yabuts.”  “Yabut, I worked so hard,” “Yabut we’ve been together so long,” “Yabut this represents a year of my life” etc. etc.  We all do it, now it’s time to let it go.  You are here.  This is where you are, you have to accept that.  Whether you believe that it’s your fault or someone elses, allowing your mind to run free with “Yabuts” isn’t going to get you anywhere.

As scary as it may seem, you have to recognize that you are here no matter what and try to let go of the attachment to your “goal vehicle.”  This means, let go of the need to have this “goal vehicle” be the only way to achieve the essence of your goal.  For instance, if your love has just left you, you have to let go of the need to make this relationship be the relationship.  If you WANT to make this relationship, or this “goal vehicle” the relationship/vehicle, you must still allow yourself to let go.  You must let go of the NEED to make it work.  Not the desire necessarily, but the need. It’s important to separate these two things because need and desire are two entirely different things.  So let go of the need to make it work.

Ask yourself, “Is it going to be the end of the world if this vehicle isn’t the one that takes me to my goal?”
My guess is that the answer is probably no.  Whatever your answer to the previous question though, here’s another to ask yourself.

“Is it possible, just possible, that there is another way for me to have the essence of my goal?”

Hopefully you will realize that it is almost always possible, even if you can’t see how right this moment.  Asking these questions will distance you from the NEED to make this your only option, and once you’ve done that, it’s time to re-examine the path you were on, and look at all the possibilities you can see right now.

What is the Best Way to Proceed From Here?

So whatever is disappointing you, you have to find the essence of the goal, then distance yourself from it and let go of your attachment to the “goal vehicle.”  Then ask, “What is the Best Way to Proceed From Here?”
Asking this question will train your mind to look at as many options as you can at this moment.  You’ve hopefully seen that this path may not be the only path, and you have admitted that there could be other possible paths to achieve your “goal essence.”  Now, think about the original “goal vehicle,” whatever path you had planned that is causing you disappointment.  Break down the task and ask yourself, “Can this be salvaged?”

Knowing what you know now, can you continue with this path?  Is it possible?  Could you make this work if you just kept at it?  Is there a different approach that you could take to try to make this a success?  And most importantly, now that you’re clear on your “goal essence,” will this be the best fit to achieve that “goal essence?”  If you’re not so certain that continuing on this path is the best option, it’s time to move on to the adaptation phase where you change something you are doing in order to change the results you’ve been getting.

Should I Move Forward or Choose a New Path?

Should you move forward with the original path or choose a new path entirely?  This can be one of the most paralyzing questions you will have to ask yourself.  If you choose to move forward, you may wonder if it’s worth it, if you choose a new path, you will inevitably feel like you are throwing away all of the hard work, time, resources, everything.  What about adapting?  You may be able to adapt the original path in a way that will make it workable for you.  This may mean changing the business model, or the relationship dynamic, or even redoing some work.  But before you adapt anything, you must choose which one fits you best.

What if you’re stuck? What if you can’t decide what to do?  I suggest that you always follow your gut.  Go with your gut and it’ll never let you down.  If you aren’t sure what your gut is saying, or you can’t quite accept the answer yet, start to break down each possible path further and see if this will help you choose.  Look at what it would mean for your life and what it would take to make it work.  Ask hard questions and give answers and as quickly as you can, choose which path is for you.

Move Forward

If you’ve decided to move forward, you obviously think that the original path is worth the work.  Maybe the disappointment came because of a setback in financing or some other outside influence tried to slow you down.  Good for you for “sticking to your guns.”  When I hear of people who push on despite the odds, I always think of Colonel Sanders who started Kentucky Fried Chicken.  At the age of 65 he was forced to shut down his restaurant because of a new highway driving customers away from his business.  He retired and with his $105 monthly, MONTHLY, social security check, he tried to franchise his recipe.  I have heard it said that he was rejected hundreds of times, and have even seen some claims saying he was told “no” over 1000 times before somebody finally said yes.  Whatever the case, he faced a lot of rejection and disappointment, but he kept it up and eventually sold the American franchise for $2,000,000 and kept the Canadian franchise for himself.  He knew how to deal with disappointment, and when he faced it, every time, he stuck to his original path and moved on to the next person in line.  He kept going at the age of 65 and because of his perseverance; you’d be hard pressed to find a person who hasn’t been to a KFC.  If this is the right path for you, focus on your target, your goal essence, and put your head down and get it, do it, know that it’s yours and go claim the prize.

Choose a New Path

When this seems like the better choice, you can sometimes be left feeling like you’ve wasted time, money and just about everything else.  But, if this is the right choice, then it is the right choice.  It can certainly be tough to trash something you’ve worked very hard at, whether it be a business venture or a relationship or any other number of important aspects of your life, it’s often hard to just let it go and start over.

If you do find yourself on this path, you are in a great position because of the setback that has caused your disappointment.  Thanks to that disappointment, you are equipped with so much more information, knowledge and experience than you were prior to it happening.  If you have taken a step back from the disappointment, your mind has hopefully seen some things that you have learned or could learn from this experience.  Looking at what good the disappointment could bring can help you let go of the attachment as well as begin anew in a much more positive way.
Take a look now at your “goal essence” and decide if that original goal essence still fits for you and if it does, try to find something that will fit that essence better than the “goal vehicle” you’ve just let go of.  If it doesn’t fit you, reexamine it and change it until you’re happy with it, then ask yourself, “What is the best way for me to accomplish, or live, this goal?”  You could place a detached perspective on the goal by asking, “If somebody asked me how they could best accomplish this, what would I tell them?”  This forces you to remain somewhat detached and allows you to pick a path with a clearer head.

Now it’s time to start working toward the goal, get the snowball started and make it work, it’s a fresh exciting start, and you probably have a lot to learn.  Good Luck.

Concerning my script, I am forced to choose a new path.  I will still write a script, but I just don’t think there is any way I can adapt this script enough for it to be set apart from the movie that is currently releasing.  I will take many of the character concepts, jokes and setups, and move them into another comedy in a different setting.  My hope is that the new script will be even more powerful than the one I wrote last summer.

There is, of course, a slight chance that I could change the location, but otherwise, I will begin anew.  With the striking similarities between the two movies, I think I would be a fool to Move Forward with the current script.  My goal essence remains the same.  I intend to make a hilarious and captivating film that entertains millions of people and keeps them laughing from start to finish.  I will just have to do this with a different movie concept.  I originally felt disappointed, but thanks to the processes I’ve written about, I’m excited to see what kinds of new ideas I come up with.  Not to mention, I know so much more about writing than I did when I started that script a year and a half ago.  It will be an enjoyable journey, and I have no doubt that I can do it.

I am currently focused on launching The 20/20/20 Diet website, hopefully by March, and then I plan to brainstorm ideas and write my next script.  I am extremely excited to start this new journey, and honestly now that I’ve dealt with it, I feel validated because I know that the idea was very good, my execution and timing were just a little off.  Soon I will have my time.

So I am no longer disappointed with losing my script, I’ve learned a lot and had a blast writing it.  I have moved on.  Now, what’s disappointing you?  What can you start to process and move forward with?  Can you use these processes to help you deal with the feeling of disappointment?  Can you find a way to move forward or find a new path?  I’m certain that you can, and I hope this has helped.

I hope this finds you well,
Ryan M. Hall

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